Today I felt and looked like a goblin. I wore frumpy clothes, was very tired, ate shitty food. I am bloated and pimply-faced. I hate the way I look and it doesn’t matter that the day is over and the lights are out. I still feel ugly.
Everything I said this week was stupid, too.
Anyway, I hope I snap out of it and have a few good days soon. I’m just a goblin face this week. The last time I felt even a little pretty was so long ago.
Just thought I’d share because, even though I know I’m being superficial, feeling like this is common and my misery might make another miserable person feel normal and less like a bloaty troll.
My favourite season. This is where my favourite memories happen. Hiking Mount B- with my sister and taking photos of the yellow vineyards. My best friend’s birthday party and sleepover in October where her mom and sister tied mini chocolate bars to the ends of yarn and made a giant web in their living room (each guest had a different colour yarn and the trick was to untangle it to get to the chocolate, which was hidden somewhere). Watching Twilight Zone with T- in his old basement suite after making dinner together. I would set alarm so I wouldn’t fall asleep with him on the couch and miss the last bus.
Last year I visited Salem and sat on Emily Dickinson’s front porch. There were apple cider doughnuts and chilly evenings and walks in multicoloured woods.
So I hope this year will be the same. I keep hoping to hear a yes, to escape the rainy months here. One more chance I think.
I said I didn’t want to be sick again. For the last week, I have been fighting off a mystery sickness. My surgery site hurts and I am experiencing very low blood pressure. I think I am improving, though. It took a bigger toll on me psychologically than I thought. I was so discouraged. A visit to the clinic didn’t help and I felt silly for even trying. I have a few theories, one being severe dehydration combined with breathing in forest fire smoke and hurting myself. Who knows. I just hope I get better. My chest and back hurt when I eat or drink. I’ve been drinking a lot of water and stocked the fridge with homemade food for the week in case my body is unhappy with the food I eat when I’m too tired cook. I got too excited about being better and I let myself feel sick again. I need to smarten up and take better care of myself. Sometimes I want to really fit and strong so I don’t feel so shitty all the time.
I applied for a processing archivist job in Boston Tuesday night and got a response the next morning. The person hiring wanted to know when I could start if hired. My interview is tomorrow morning. The job is what I do now and not as intellectually challenging as the university job I interviewed for, but maybe this is what I need to do for a while longer. I am trying to not to be excited like last time. I have prepared very little.
Job hunting is so demoralizing. At least I won’t be as disappointed as I was last week if/when I don’t get it. Daydreams of autumn in New England keep interrupting my trying to be indifferent, though.
It was ‘no.’ It was also, “Can we keep your application open in case our number one person says no?” I was crushed and stayed home from work to cry and sulk and clean (because I clean when I don’t feel in control). I have received multiple rejections this month. This one stings extra hard because I am second best for a project I was really interested in. Also, not getting it disappointed me in more ways than just “I didn’t get that interesting job.”
Well, first, I didn’t get that interesting job. I have so much literature and written ideas lying around my room and right now it hurts to revisit them, maybe put them away for now. So much time and effort went into getting together materials they wanted. I get it, that’s life. I can’t be angry about that.
Second, I was really eager to finally be independent. I fantasized about having my own apartment and buying a big mattress… cooking in my own kitchen and putting photos on my walls. I am lucky to live where I do, but I really want a place to call mine.
I want to be near T. I’m scared distance is hurting us. Besides that, I miss being around him.
Maybe the first person will say no. Maybe I’ll find something better. Maybe I’m stuck here. I don’t know if I can take another dreary winter.
Anyway, I let myself be dramatic today. I cried myself to sleep twice. I called T and he was sad too. Our moms will be sad. Tomorrow I’m going to try to keep it together and go to work and be a big girl. I felt bad staying home, but I think I needed a day to myself to feel a little better so I can be better. I’m lucky I can do that.
What is wrong with me. 7:13pm on Tuesday. On the verge of tears and severely disappointed all day like I heard “no.” Why can’t that tiny hope be less tiny.
The people who interviewed me said I would hear from them by Wednesday. I am replaying all the unintelligent things I said during my presentation and imagining what my nervous laughter sounded like when the PowerPoint slides were shown out of order and I didn’t even notice until the person clicking ‘next’ apologized. Two more days until I am either severely disappointed or really really excited (also sad because I don’t want to leave my family and friends). Yes or no, I will have to face extreme emotion within the next two days. One more full day of waiting, in theory.
The interview itself wasn’t really an interview. It felt like a test to see if I meshed well with people. I thought I did. I could see how a person who didn’t grow up in an Asian family would find things unfamiliar. There were three generations of family at dinner. The jokes, the bickering, and the appreciation for food were familiar. There was bubble tea. I suppose the answer I get determined whether or not I am the best fit.
T and I celebrated two years with red wine and Psycho. When we said goodbye at the airport, I didn’t expect to be as sad as I was. I want to see him again soon.
I am staying the night in a hotel room. It is 17 C and I am snuggling with too many jumbo pillows while still wearing my hotel bath robe. I brought my computer to prepare for my job interview in the morning, but I think I will do that in the morning. I have never been called back for a second interview before. All of the jobs I have had required only one interview. I have no idea what to expect. Will they quiz me about archival description standards? Test my reference skills?
I always said I wasn’t that interested in this position; however, I decided not to turn down chances and to do my best. I have no idea where I’m supposed to be. I was thinking about that today, about if things were meant to be or if we always had choices.
I have had a headache since Saturday morning, but this week, I promise, will be better. Last week was stressful and exciting and disappointing. It was a rollercoaster. I slept and ate poorly. I need to be kinder to myself.
I did my job interview for the job I really want last Monday. I was disappointed in myself after, but I got invited to an in-person interview in Massachusetts! I spilled coffee on myself on the bus Thursday morning when I read the email. The plane tickets are purchased and now I await my schedule. It sounds so exhausting… to be flown to the opposite side of the continent and meet with community members and stakeholders for a maybe job. But this is my chance! I think I might organize a mini presentation despite not being told to. If people are asking me questions, I need to be prepared?
I also did my photoshoot. Modeling is hard work. I wanted to fulfill a silly dream of mine, and I wanted to prove that short Asian girls that don’t look like models can dress up and partake if they want! The photographers are lovely people. I dread the final product, not because of my lack of trust in their skills, but because of me. We will see.
Today might be a big week. I have an interview tomorrow morning for a job that I really really want. I researched more for it than for any position I have ever applied to. While reading, I realized I wasn’t sure if I was reading for the job or because I was indulging in my own interests. The subject matter is really interesting. The difference between static traditional archives and more dynamic participatory digital archives is interesting. The idea of working on a digital archive that would, in theory, promote the records of people whose heritage I share is exciting.
I also wonder what will become of x and I if I don’t get this job or the other job I applied to. Long distance relationships are difficult. He thinks I’m doing this for him and ignoring my own dreams. But where he is… this is the work I want and there is not as many opportunities here.
I also find out about job #2 this week, whether or not I made it to round #2. Everything is scary.